You know how some days you wake up know that the day is just gonna be crappy. I know, I know positive attitude and all that … but no matter how much smiling, laughter and humor is involved in the day … the day is still CRAPPY! … that’s where I’m at today.
First a bit of background … I have issues with inflamed joints … NO not arthritis, or so the specialists say, because that doesn’t show up in my blood work. It was believed last year that I may have Sjorgren’s syndrome, however it didn’t present in the blood work … even though I match 95% of the signs/symptoms. So what? I’m just crazy? Well yes actually, but not like that …
That said, every time I rolled over on my left side last night, I woke up in pain … my hip. I woke up this morning, slid out of bed and listened as the bones in my feet cracked and popped all the way to Dillon’s room. … yes they hurt damnit! This along with some other medical whiney complaints mean that I feel like SHIT!
Next is the contemplative, dark funk I find myself in. I dreamed of my Mom last night, my Mom and financial problems. Being a single mother, NO no child support, I’m pretty much broke all the time. Yes I have a decent job, we don’t go hungry and YES I know there are many people out there in far worse shape than I … still doesn’t stop me from brooding and worrying … ya know?!
So I’m physically hurting and depressed over money issues … then there is my Mom. You know I miss my Mom every day … the times that I think of calling and telling her something astound me … even if it has been five years. She is constantly in my thoughts, whether she glides through on quiet cat paws, with an attitude and whipping tail, or just the tickle of whiskers … she is there … all the time. Rarely however do I dream of her, last night she was there every time I closed my eyes.
I wasn’t having a nightmare or some strange psychedelic dream … just glimpses into the past and scenes out of one of our normal days … mom and I getting ready for work/school … Mom cooking breakfast on a Saturday morning … Mom playing on the deck with baby Dillon. So now I can add retrospective and sad to that list of hurting and depressed.
So no matter how much I smile or laugh today … these things will be on my mind … settled snugly there in the back … ever present. I will take medicine but will have some pain through the day, just a hint, just enough to be aggravating. I think about all I just wrote and think, “Damn girl get yourself together and quit being such a whiny ass!” {sigh} What if I just wanna wallow in my funk … just for the day … just for a little while …
