Loss

I read the following poem at Curse Of The Invisible Illness and it resonated.  I thought I would share it with you today.

After a While

by Veronica Shoftsall

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure;

You really are strong, you really do have worth;

And you learn, and you learn

With every goodbye you learn.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I'm not quite there yet, but I can feel the light twinkling of some Christmas spirit.  I have smiled more today and have been wishing all my co-workers a Merry Christmas. 

I feel a lighter. 

I hope this continues on through tomorrow.  I'm hoping to have a wonderful meal with my family and enjoy their company and watch them open their gifts. 

My boss just told us to finish up whatever we are working on and head home.  Ha, yep I was working ... working on this post ... LOL!

I hope that you all take the time to remember what Christmas is all about.  I also wish you all a peaceful, joyfully happy Christmas.

Melancholy Christmas

I thought I was doing better this year, but the "grinchyness" hit me.  I've been battling this "grinchyness" for days now.  Then last Friday, my boyfriends brother-in-law passed away.  It was horrible and sad.  I had not known David for very long, but he was a nice man.  He liked to make people laugh.

He leaves behind numerous people who are grieving his loss.  There's not much I can do for any of them except hug them tight and reassure them that while this will always be painful, it does get better.  Very slowly, but it does.

I lost the kindest, sincerest, loving friend anyone could ever have on December 31st 1999 ... My MOM.  It was devastating and we all had an extremely difficult time in our grieving.  It is still painful sometimes to think about the loss, but it brings a smile to think about my Mom.

David's death has not only brought the loss of a friend and the reality that we are never promised the next day, hour, minute but has opened the wound of the loss of my Mom.  My Mom LOVED Christmas and I should make more of an effort, because I know she would want me to. 

I may not have Christmas decorations up at home; but, I baked this year.  My Granny and Mom both enjoyed cooking and baking, I used to.  So if you stop by, there may be no twinkling lights, but there is my Granny's recipe Pumpkin Bread.

Out dang Grinchyness ... out I say.

Thankful

The week before last, one of my Aunt's passed away from lung cancer.  I was not fortunate enough to have spent much time with her and her family, but what I remember about her is her kindness.  Other than my Mom, she was one of the kindest people I've ever known.  I grieve for and with her three sons and many grandchildren and family.  She will be greatly missed.

Thanksgiving was a very thought provoking day as all the things in my life that I am grateful for ran through my brain.  I'm thankful that I've been here to see my son grow up.  He will be 20 this weekend and I love him and am proud of him.  I'm thankful for my family, friends and that my health is not as bad as it could be.

I pray that all of you have many things to be thankful for and that this next year brings many blessings into your life.

Love and Big Hugs,

Kidney Stone

Need I say more?  Really?  Well ok...

Friday, Oct 7th I woke up with a radiating pain in my abdomen.  With all the digestive and other medical issues I have, I didn't think much of it.  I took some pain meds, got ready and D and I headed into work.  I was driving that morning and on the hour drive in, it was getting worse and worse.  As we got close to my job, D suggested that I just pull into the ER.  I said no, it will get better, you go on to school and if it keeps hurting I'll let you know and you can pick me up early when you get out of school.

Two hours later D told me "I told you so Mom."  As the pain steadily increased I became nauseous and then became a permanent fixture in the restroom.  A friend and co-worker agreed to take me to the local ER and off we went.  As I was triaged and waiting to go in the back I told her to go on back to work I was fine.  Uh huh, right.

When they called me into the back and started poking and prodding on my abdomen, it got worse.  It steadily increased until I wasn't sure if I could hold still and be quiet any longer.  I've seen those ER shows on TV where the person in pain is sort of thrashing around, crying and begging ... that was almost me ... SERIOUSLY.  I was that close and then my blessed nurse injected pain meds into my IV.  It didn't knock me out or make the pain completely go away but it was bearable.

Honestly peeps, I have NEVER had anything hurt this bad besides labor ... NEVER.

Anyway, I was admitted and they kept an eye on me til late afternoon Sunday, when they released me to go home.  I saw a urologist and because I do not have any infection (no fever), I'm having no nausea and the pain has never reached that intensity again they want me to wait ... wait and see if it will pass. O_o

I was out all last week because I don't do well with strong pain meds and mine were fairly strong.  There is no way I could concentrate on work, not even to do anything from home.  Friday, I started halving the meds and was able to do some work.  I was planning on going in this morning, but all last night I alternated between freezing cold and sweating.  No fever though, how strange.  It finally eased up and I was able to rest.  

So now I'm aiming for tomorrow.  I hope to be at work at least for most of the day.  I have followup visits and a cardiology visit this week.  I hate it when I'm feeling pretty good, weather is beautiful, life is good ... and then WHAM upside the head!

I hope and pray that you are all doing well and I hope that I will be soon.

I Believe

I'm not trying to get into any type of discussion with people of other faiths, or even with fellow Christians; but I have always loved this poem.  We get so engrossed in the trappings of our faith, our job, our everyday lives that sometimes we forget.

"When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say. "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow."
— Maya Angelou